porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
