Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
