If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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