I have demons in me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
