at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I would fuck him just for his dog
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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