I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
