Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
