I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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