So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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