I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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