Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
