I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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