If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
