Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
