I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
