I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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