Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
