I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
And then he peed in my hair
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