we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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