Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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