i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
