When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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