How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
