No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
