im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
