What did we do last night that was yellow?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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