my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
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Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.