wakey wakey hands off snakey
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
