I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
