So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
