my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just high enough for therapy.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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