That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize