did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
