I cockslap morals
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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