my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
