Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
