I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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