dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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