I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
