can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
She announced her abortion via fbk
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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