o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize