Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
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I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
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Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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