You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
