Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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