you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
