Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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Ecstasy should be its own food group.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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