i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
