She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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