I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
