i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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