At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
