i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
