dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
