It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
