I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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