ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
