I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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