I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
