I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
