I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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