her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.