im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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